I write this the night before I say goodbye to my cervix. Tomorrow it is being removed via a rather brilliant surgical piece of equipment and a rather brilliant surgical procedure. Whilst I may come across as flippant about this, please rest assured, I am not. I’m writing this to expel some nervous pre-op energy. I’m also writing it to expand upon how lucky I am, something that I have alluded to in previous posts.
I was given the option of having a hysterectomy or something called a trachelectomy (this is the cervix removing operation). This is not an option available for everyone and seems to come down to two things: –
- The postcode lottery of the NHS and whether there is a hospital or surgeon near the patient that can offer that treatment
- How early they catch the cancer
Now there are moments where I sit in quiet contemplation and think ‘the universe gave me cancer,’ and then I get angry about it and go ‘the universe gave me cancer, what the actual FUCK!!’ which swings back to quiet contemplation and so on and so forth. Whilst I could hold onto the anger (and so far, there have been moments after the 1st op where I have been truly furious) I refuse. In the words of seemingly every ten-year old’s favourite Disney princess I have chosen to…let it go. Here, have an obligatory Elsa.
As I need to survive this process with my obnoxious sense of self intact, I need to retain the thought that I have been extremely lucky (which I have been). To elaborate on why, I want to start with a summary of the symptoms of cervical cancer. These are: –
Here is another symptom of cervical cancer: –
It seems that for many nasty things it is very common for symptoms to be in the latter category. It is also very common for cervical cancer to fall into the latter and this is exactly why those screenings are important. By the time some women experience symptoms the outcomes are less positive.
As established, I didn’t attend my screenings when invited and so this is where my luck kicks in. I doubt I would have attended any future ones as (also previously established) my ignorance was driving me to believe that this was never going to happen to me. In usual cases of cervical cancer, once symptoms begin to display, this could be a very different type of blog post to write. As is stands I was lucky and started to develop symptoms in the early stages (not common). This is what made me go ahead and finally, finally, investigate the problem. So now, I won’t have a cervix but I get to keep my life and isn’t that the most wonderful trade off?
In cervical screening awareness week, this is my final push on the importance of attending cervical screenings. All subsequent posts will be on what happened after. Now my intention is not to worry anyone at all. If you are reading the symptom list and you’re thinking, “um…I think I am experiencing some of those” please, please don’t panic. The chances of these symptoms being cancer are slim.
As established in ‘The Biology Lesson,’ the female reproductive system is a very complex piece of machinery. There is a reason the entire medical practice of gynaecology exists. If you are experiencing anything out of the ordinary it could be nothing, it could be something, it could be easily treatable or you may have a different story of your own to tell. Regardless, if you feel something is amiss then go and see someone about it.
I believed so very strongly that I had polyps. When I discussed it with a friend she thought it could be endometriosis. This was after I thought my symptoms were just related to problem periods I used to have, or that my birth control was no longer working out for me or that I was having some very overenthusiastic sexy times. I pray no family members read that last bit. If they do I am telling you now…I don’t even know what a penis is. Promise.
So, I finally booked my screening. This is my experience and my experience alone so I can’t speak on behalf of others but this is how it went.
A 22 Step Guide to Cervical Screening
Step 1: Picked up phone and went into meeting room at work. Spoke to receptionist. Booked appointment. Did this in front of someone who has the misfortune to be both friend and colleague. Feel sorry for this Colliend? Frolleague? She will suffer the many tales of Gerry later to come.
Step 2: Turned up to GP’s and booked self in. Sat in waiting room hoping that no one has anything contagious. Be grateful that I remembered to shave. Wonder how hairy knees still are.
Step 3: Get called in and basically break into a nervous run to get to the room.
Step 4: Be greeted professionally by a nurse because she is a professional and she won’t do anything that isn’t. Discuss the fact that I haven’t attended a smear before. Be gently admonished. State how nervous I am because I have symptoms. Be gently reassured.
Step 4: Step to where the bed thingy is. Have nurse explain what will happen. Receive request to remove everything from below the waist. Request to keep socks on. Request…granted.
Step 5: Nurse pulls curtain across bed for privacy and steps outside. Wonder what the point is as she’s pretty much going to get a good ol’ gander anyways. Struggle to get out of socks and tights. Feel glad that she closed the curtain and is not witnessing a grown adult struggle with her clothes. Struggle to put socks back on. Fold clothes neatly on chair because there is no need to be impolite and messy.
Step 6: Get comfortable on bed. Feel decidedly uncomfortable as there is no candlelight or soft music.
Step 7: Nurse returns. Explains door is locked. Demonstrates ‘the smallest speculum she could find.’ Spend 30 seconds wondering what this implies.
Step 8: Nurse shines spotlight on the area of investigation. Start to wonder if my vagina should have prepared a routine. Would it be a singer? A dancer? Some sort of magic show? Nervously giggle as the situation is just… weird.
Step 9: Get next steps explained – knees up, bring feet to bum and then just drop ‘em to the sides. Proceed to complete steps 1 -2. When needing to proceed with step 3 I just lay there. Told nurse that any second now I will definitely get round to it.
Step 10: Take a deep breath and drop ‘em to the sides.
Step 11: Get told to take another deep breath and drop ‘em some more. Apparently, it’s hard to conduct a smear test if you only move your knees 5 centimetres apart.
Step 12: Feel the urge to make a joke about usually getting dinner before someone’s face gets that close.
Step 13: Make sensible decision to not make that joke.
Step 14: Drop ‘em some more.
Step 15: Enter Sandman. I mean Enter Speculum. Feel amazement at how cold something can possibly be. Wince a bit. Understand that this bit is not fun nor comfy but realise it wasn’t as horrific as I thought.
Step 16: Enter brush. Pull a face as it connects with cervix as this bit feels weird and not entirely good. Feels like she is going to brush forever. Wonder if the nurse thinks she is Bert from Mary Poppins and is going to chim chim cheree until the end of time (as we now know there was a tumour there so it could mean that the discomfort I felt at this point could be related to that – I don’t have a comparison). Look at knees. Realise that they are surprisingly hairy and that I clearly cannot shave them properly.
Step 17: Bleed a bit. Get told that this is very common and is not a sign of anything nefarious.
Step 18: Nurse extracts brush. Realise that at this point less than 5 minutes have passed.
Step 19: Nurse extracts speculum. Minor problem occurs when it decides to wrap itself around my cervix. Wonder how the hell that is biologically possible. Wince a bit more as cervix clearly wants to hold onto speculum. Understand now that my cervix was trying to communicate with me. Speculum extracted.
Step 20: Nurse draws curtain and steps outside to give me dressing privacy. Struggle to get back into tights and socks. Wonder how anyone in the history of mankind has ever managed to successfully put tights on even though it was something I could do that morning.
Step 21: Receive explanation of what happens next – a letter to my home address between 2 – 6 weeks stating results of the smear. Be told that if there is anything to be concerned about it will be received in 2.
Step 22: Walk gleefully out of the surgery stating to the nurse that ‘it wasn’t nearly as bad as I was thinking and that I would never miss it again’ and then rewarded myself with a can of full fat coke.
Here’s Bert. You will not get Bert.
For a lot of women (and more than likely for those reading this) your journey will end here, or more likely, when you receive the letter stating that your results were fine. Good!! Oh, so good! Then you forget about it all and get called up three years later and repeat this process until you no longer need to repeat this process.
Whilst I can genuinely say that the smear test was the most pleasant part of this entire process so far, I will be honest and say that it isn’t pleasant. It wasn’t as bad as I was imagining it to be but for some women they may have anxiety about this process and so I don’t believe in shaming women who haven’t attended or refuse to downplay their fears or concerns.
My tips for those concerned would be the below: –
- Book an appointment time that you’ll be most comfortable with. If you feel like you just want to get it over with and a so a morning slot on a Monday is best, then go for it. If you feel like you need to relax into the day, then try and get one for the afternoon.
- The nurse will probably be female but if that is a concern than double check this with the receptionist when you book. Request a female if that makes you more comfortable.
- Tell the nurse performing the smear that you are nervous, they will try and re-assure you the best they can.
- Ask to see the speculum if you feel that may help. Request a small size if you feel intimidated by the larger ones…yep that’s right they come in all sizes!
- Wear something that you feel comfortable getting in and out of, they should cover you with a sheet anyway but a dress or skirt will provide a bit more discretion.
- When the nurse is performing the exam, ask her to explain what is going on if that makes you more comfortable, or just make small talk or stare at the ceiling in silence. Whatever works for you.
- Remember: if you want someone to stop a medical procedure you have the right to ask them to stop and they will do so.
- If you don’t want to go in alone ask someone you love and trust to go with you. Even if they wait outside the curtain chatting to you, you may find their presence comforting.
It’s a common misconception that cervical screenings are testing for cancer. This isn’t the case. Yes, they can pick up cancer and other problems that may not be presenting themselves yet however the main purpose for them is to pick up problems before they become problems.
In the language of my people (the geekdom) I will present the purpose of cervical screenings in a visual that relates to me.
For the majority of people your cells will remain just that….cells. Normal, healthy cells. Most smears will report that there are no abnormal changes and your cervix is just having a ball down there being nice and lovely. Just like this guy! Smear test has done its job! Yay!
If your cells have eaten after midnight…wait hold on…no. Sorry. If your cells have done something…unusual then they may change. These changes could be mild, moderate or severe but it means that they are no longer the healthy cells that you once had. Kind of like these guys….
…they look like the nice and lovely Gizmo but have started to behave badly.
Good news – these cells will do one of two things: –
- Revert to being normal, healthy cells. This is quite often the case if they are mild or moderate. It may mean that you are invited back to a screening in a few months’ time to check that this is the case.
- Be taken out. This is usually the case if the cells are found to be severe. This is a good thing. It means that your cells are abnormal (sometimes pre-cancerous but not always) but it means they are getting taken out before they can do anymore damage or get any worse.
Smear test has done its job!
If. If, you leave these severe changes unchecked they can do something more destructive. Those normal, healthy cells can become pre-cancerous which in turn can become cancerous and then you are dealing with this…
The smear test is a stop gap to sure that your cells are lovely and remain lovely and that they are stopped before they reek damage on your resident home town aka your cervix or other body parts.
(Try finding another blog that will relate cervical cancer to the Gremlins. Good friggin’ luck!)
I shall sign off now, I may not write next week depending on the level of shite I feel but this is far from finished!
Stay tuned.
At Your Cervix 